The Spiritual Grind
Dr. Jenni PhD,RN,CHLC,CH and medium and Rev. James ORD, MhsB have spent countless years studying and practicing many modalities within the "Spiritual" domain. Dr. Jenni has dedicated her life to helping others by attending countless schools and developing each of her practices and strategies. Rev. James has studied many modalities and Native American practices and they have Both decided to open their library of knowledge to share this information with everyone in a down to earth style, with hope to assist in making your journey easier and more abundant.
The Spiritual Grind
Fix Your Picker
Finding true love starts with fixing your picker. If you've ever wondered why you keep attracting the same relationship dynamics with different people, this episode reveals the transformation waiting on the other side of self-awareness.
We dive into the psychology behind broken "pickers" – those internal guidance systems that repeatedly lead us into partnerships that don't serve our highest good. By examining our past relationships with radical honesty, we can identify patterns, triggers, and compromises that have kept us stuck in cycles of disappointment. The journey begins with raising your self-worth high enough to establish clear parameters and stick to them, regardless of how attractive or persuasive a potential partner might be.
Ever noticed yourself putting someone on a pedestal just because they showed interest? We explore what we call "The King Syndrome," where physical attraction or validation causes us to lower our standards and ignore red flags. This power imbalance creates the perfect conditions for relationship dissatisfaction. Instead, we offer practical strategies for maintaining neutrality while dating, including how to conduct an honest "interview" with potential partners about your non-negotiables without scaring them away.
The most liberating truth we share? You can't train someone to be your perfect partner, and you're not responsible for saving anyone. True connection happens when two whole people choose each other from a place of alignment rather than lack. Whether you're currently single or in a relationship questioning if it's right for you, this episode provides the framework to evaluate your situation with clarity and courage.
Ready to transform your relationship reality? Start by getting honest about who you are, what you need, and what you're no longer willing to accept. Your future self will thank you for the relationships you didn't settle for.
Guess what, what we're doing? Another podcast, yay, yay you.
Speaker 2:My favorite thing to do.
Speaker 1:Thank you. You like to lice by flickering when we're doing podcasts? Good morning everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. We're excited to be back in studio.
Speaker 2:Good morning.
Speaker 1:We didn't post one last week because we couldn't post it it was a rant so we left it alone week because we couldn't post it. It was a rant, so we left it alone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, sometimes when you're going through your reality, man, we did a little experiment and we were having a little bit of a tough bump in our road, a little bit of a tough journey, and we're not at liberty to really have a deep conversation about it, especially not on air. So it was podcast day, it was studio day and james was like I don't really my energy's off I'm not feeling it.
Speaker 2:I was like, listen, we need to go in there, get on the microphone and close the energy circuit of this topic, and I think the best way is to air our dirty laundry on the microphone, record it and then at that point we can choose whether to upload it and change not only our life but a lot of other people, because some shit came out deep shit.
Speaker 1:At this time we won't be posting it.
Speaker 2:no, maybe down it was just a healing journey, and I think what I want to share with everybody is listen whenever you're working through your deep, dark shadows. Whatever trick or technique works for you. Try it and see how it feels. Try it and see if it moves the energy. Try it and see if it closes that energy circuit so that you can receive the next layer of information for the next layer of redefining beliefs, patterns and programs. And what we found for us it was a new thing. We've never done that before. But he begrudgingly came in here and got on the microphone because I'm like, yeah, we're doing this, we're going to try it, and we sat in here. I don't even know how long it went.
Speaker 1:It was over an hour.
Speaker 2:It was over an hour worth of just vomiting out Frustrations, deep dark crap and you know, it was like we could finally take a deep breath on the topic and then, as a couple of days went by and the energy shifted and changed, I think it was very Healing. It was yeah.
Speaker 1:I agree.
Speaker 2:Cathartic, is that the word you?
Speaker 1:would use Cathartic. Oh God, here we go.
Speaker 2:I feel like that's the proper word if you wanted to sound really smart.
Speaker 1:I don't even know how to spell that word, somebody look it?
Speaker 2:up, I can't even spell that word it was. I can't even spell that word it was. It was very healing to just really because we had been close the energy circuit so that we could move on um pass that topic.
Speaker 1:Yes, Totally agree.
Speaker 2:Anyway, and I think that it was very beneficial, yeah, so find your, find your outlet if you need it. So for that reason I'm sorry that you all didn't get a uh podcast show last week but we're back on the donkey.
Speaker 1:Yep, and we're going to start on the trail. We're going to start a series.
Speaker 2:Get along little donkey.
Speaker 1:We're going to start a little series.
Speaker 2:Okay, take some notes, cause you know I don't remember what all this said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're going to talk about healthy relationships and how to build one.
Speaker 2:Okay. I think, uh, we kind of started that somewhere along the way, didn't we?
Speaker 1:In our earlier podcasts. We talked to one time about controversial stuff in the relationships and how to handle that. But I want to start with step one of finding the right person.
Speaker 2:You're talking about intimate relationships yes like with a life partner or a marriage or a boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, whatever you want to call it I know in the last season we talked about relationships with money and relationships with co-workers. I know we we talked about relationship and we said we were going to have multiple parts to it.
Speaker 1:So all right, here we go I think, uh, this first section of this, I think, is uh how to find and be the perfect partner or have the perfect partner for yourself. And it's identifying this up because the reason why it comes up is because the people some of the clients I've worked with are going through relationship things and and you know, you want to stop and say to them, you want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and say do you not see?
Speaker 1:you know, how do you not see what's going on here?
Speaker 2:It makes me want. So the voice that's going on in my head right now is saying this Say hello to my little friend.
Speaker 1:For what I don't know. Okay, random.
Speaker 2:That's off of a show.
Speaker 1:I know, but building a healthy relationship, relationship it starts from the very beginning and being true to yourself and true to others. And navigating the journey of finding the perfect partner, or identifying the perfect partner in your life, starts with you and starts with your honesty with yourself and not conforming to what you think you're supposed to be instead of being just who you are, and it can be so true.
Speaker 1:It can be a societal expectation, so to speak, that you know men are supposed to be this way, women are supposed to be this way, women are supposed to be this way. And when you're in an individual journey, it doesn't matter what society thinks.
Speaker 2:I don't think it should matter what society thinks or has programmed us to be at all. I think that's one of the key components of it is coming away from that construct, that paradigm.
Speaker 1:Right, and so the best way to start is with yourself, and when you are either A in a journey with somebody or B looking for the perfect partner, you have to identify within yourself who you really are by being humble with yourself and realizing, taking your historical events and bring to your current consciousness and reality the things that you identified, that you liked about it and the things that you didn't like about it, and look at who you became within it.
Speaker 2:You mean like a previous relationship?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you mean like a previous relationship, yeah, or if there wasn't one, then uh, the examples that you have of others around you. Because we have it. We. We like, as humans, to mimic things, because the subconscious mind operates without you thinking and when he gets into a habit, it will continuously repeat that habit, because it's the easiest thing to do, because it works off historical events, and so when you are trying to change your future, going forward, you have to stop and look at the things that are subconscious, trained thoughts Like, for example, you always hear out there how you have these women that get in domestic violence and but they will jump out of one relationship right into another one that's domestic violence, because their pickers broke yeah, and that can be happening for two different reasons one you're not consciously aware that you're doing it right, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:The mind is when you're not consciously aware that you're doing it. It is just a belief running on autopilot.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:Once you become consciously aware that you're doing it and you're choosing to continue to do it, then it is just a habit that you're choosing to continue to hold on to, and then that's when you start working on consciously making an effort to change the habit of it.
Speaker 1:Yes, I totally agree, because you have to stop and look at the historical events and when those historical events come into your reality, like, for example I'll use the domestic violence thing, because this happens a lot is you get stuck in a rut, to where you continuously go from one situation to another, that it continues to cause that discomfort and unhappiness. And when you get caught in that rut, the only common denominator in it is you, because it's different people, different times, and so starting a healthy relationship begins with yourself and identifying those things that you don't like and the things that you do like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I feel like we need to stop right there for just a second. Okay, first of all, we are not saying that you are at fault right.
Speaker 2:Or to 100% blame for being in a domestic violence situation. We're not saying that. However, you know, dr jenny would say you do create your reality and and you're you're creating that experience for the purpose of growth and evolution. And to remember that the two of y'all went into an agreement in a spiritual form that said I love you so much, I will play this character to help you grow and evolve.
Speaker 1:But but I'm done with it yes, and so what?
Speaker 2:what you're? Let me see if I understand what you're saying. You're saying that if you find yourself in, well, is the topic domestic violence, if you find yourself in a situation like that as the victim-er or the victim-ee, the victim without the fur the victim without the fur. The perpetrator, yeah, or the victim. Either one coming to the realization that you're the common denominator will do this. It will bring it to your awareness, yeah, so that you're not just unconsciously going through the motions.
Speaker 1:Right, Like when you get into spit spots. Spit spots.
Speaker 2:Spit spots. I say Spit spots.
Speaker 1:When you get into spots and you're in the middle of changing relationships, you sit back, you look Because, like I said this minute ago, your subconscious mind's going to do what, exactly what you have trained it to do based off historical events. And when you're working with a higher vibrational template and you, but you don't stop and look at those things you don't like and identify them and actually say out loud listen, I don't want this, no more, I'm not going to have this. I own what I, what happened in the past, but let's, I do not want to recreate this same reality. And you work through it and you actually say those things to yourself, reiterate the things that you do like, but you know, chastise the things that you don't, and that way you'll, you're going to train your subconscious thought to not bring that person into your reality again, just in a different skin suit. And when you are doing that being honestly, honestly identifying your parts of it and their parts of it, and you know it write it down whatever you need to do to identify it.
Speaker 1:Work through the process, because the best relationship starts with you, the process, because the best relationship starts with you. And it is your responsibility to create your reality, not anybody else's, and when you can get the confidence and the self-reliance to identify the negatives and the positives and everything behind you. It's a very humble situation and you will become interior, internally at peace with yourself. And when you internally at peace with yourself and when you are at peace with yourself, as Dr Jenny always says, when it's okay to go, it's okay to stay. When it's okay to stay, it's okay to go, it creates a balanced situation and going forward and identifying those things and moving forward before you start looking for a new person is very crucial.
Speaker 2:I agree. Yeah, I mean you want to clean up your vibration.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So that you can align with a frequency of a different kind of person. Correct, because if you're still vibrating at a frequency of domestic violence, or just unhappiness.
Speaker 1:You're just not happy in the relationship an unpleasant relationship with your partner.
Speaker 2:You'll just go out and find that same person that's vibrating at that same frequency that's correct. So when you're ready for that to look differently, you have to stop and look at yourself.
Speaker 1:And clean up the past.
Speaker 2:And clean up the beliefs, patterns and programs around that specific topic, so that your frequency around that topic will change, will change, and then that in turn allows you to align with the reality. That has the type of partner that you are ready to experience now in it, and it then also lets you start picking up on oh you know what Red alert.
Speaker 2:I am doing this habit, and this is what I did when I was experiencing this other reality where I'm the victim yeah, so let me stop that and let me do something different. That's how you train yourself out of a habit.
Speaker 1:Yes, I totally agree, and you change the vibration of it all and it's just you know practice. Yes.
Speaker 2:When you're changing a habit, you got to just keep catching yourself to it and stop right then and change the and be very descript. Whether it be some physical action that you're doing or mental thought process that you're doing or view, the habit can look many different ways.
Speaker 1:Right, you know, I went to a seminar one time and in the seminar it was about building healthy relationships and he said one thing that really rang the bell for me and he said go into every relationship like you're blind.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I always say, and I've always said, with every relationship, did I come out damaged or did I come out educated? Right, the only way that you can come out educated and not damaged is by stopping in between each relationship, whether it's just a dating relationship on a short-term basis or it's a long-term relationship or whatever it is. The way to come out educated is that you really have to take an internal look at yourself and say, okay, I had this experience. I liked these parts about it. I didn't like these parts about it. What beliefs, patterns or programs do I need to modify to have a new experience in a different way, keeping the parts I liked and letting go of the parts I didn't care for? Because even relationships, romantic, intimate partnerships like that marriage, significant other, your person, no matter how many of them you have are still areas of learning yeah totally for growth and evolution in that part of the life.
Speaker 2:pie Totally. I always say that life is kind of just a big pie, yeah, and it has its many different topics cut into slices and you can be healthy and whole and happy in other topics and this be the only slice. That's wonky. Yeah, it totally can be that way. That's how you go about it.
Speaker 1:And that's where your historical events come into play, because when you identify those things, be specific to yourself all the way down to like. You remember that movie Must Love Dogs that was the name of the movie.
Speaker 2:I don't think I ever saw it.
Speaker 1:It was about an ad that was placed in the newspaper, and the very end it was entitled Must Love Dogs. It was looking for a mate, and so it actually gives you the reality's perspective of how detailed you should be when you're trying to find that perfectly complete pie.
Speaker 2:Yes, I mean, and it does. You know, I can speak about my own personal journey. I literally came to this place. You know, the other areas of my pie were functioning and we were doing great, and this one area of finding my person. I knew that it was time to do something different. I just knew it. In my knowing of knowing, of knowing, in that little spot where you know, where you know, where you know, I was like you know what. It's time to do this in a little bit different way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's go about this in a different angle.
Speaker 2:Right, let's try something different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I did Be open to it. Be open and receptive to it. That's right, because the perfect person will walk out of nowhere.
Speaker 2:On you, yeah, and so a brief little story about my own journey is I did come to that place of okay, you know what I'm the common denominator in all of these. And so what I did is I sat down for probably, I think, over the span of about three or four days, I think over the span of about three or four days, and I literally wrote a book. I felt like it on all of the finite details of what I liked.
Speaker 1:And what you wanted.
Speaker 2:And what I wanted in a partner, in a life partner, in a mate. Yeah, Because I said you know what? I can't find that partner and line up with that frequency if I don't even know what I want and if I am not even willing or able to identify the things that I do and don't want and so I did. I sat down for days and wrote out this long story about and I wrote it from a place of there's no rules, no inhibitions, I can have whatever I want and there's no stopping it yeah and and.
Speaker 2:When I did that, then the different little cogs and wheels started to go into play, and and here you are, you became balanced with it and you, you created the new story.
Speaker 1:You know, because that's where we change history, you know? Uh, there was a. There's a famous guy on tv that always says the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And that's because we, as humans, have a tendency to we get energetically so excited to be out of something that we viewed, especially if we were in a relationship um, that was bad. Or if we've been single for a minute. When there's somebody that comes into our reality that may have a little bit of close vibrational frequency with us, we have a tendency to get excited and we'll overlook those things, we'll overlook all the things.
Speaker 1:And and that is a that is a predictor of future behavior. And when you, when you put yourself in that spot, you are eliminating your own parameters, and so you've got to calm down, take a deep breath, make sure you're detailed. You've looked at everything on it and owned it. You have now created this vision of what you want it to look like. And then it, when you become complacent, in a level of neutrality, then it's crazy when you're just going through life and you're being happy and healthy. You've already created this idea.
Speaker 2:You've given it to spirit or your higher self, or god, whatever you want to call it, and allowed that to happen Unforced, unabated so to speak, tainted Tainted by your glasses that you're looking through that hold the beliefs, the patterns, the programs Right the beliefs, the patterns, the programs Right, when you've let go of that insisting that it must look a certain way Right and letting it just be relaxed about it and letting that.
Speaker 1:Because I sucked at relationships. I didn't go back prior to this.
Speaker 2:Come to you when you've got a cleaner vibration that you're putting out. Right you have a cleaner signal that you're putting out because you've come out of the construct of society says of a happy marriage must look like this right, and that's I call it the june cleaver syndrome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, do you stay at home? I'm gonna go to work. You raise the kids and cook me dinner.
Speaker 2:We're gonna play mommy and daddy and this is what it all looks like, and here's your toast in the morning.
Speaker 1:Here's your packed lunch.
Speaker 2:Right, here's your little briefcase.
Speaker 1:Here's your briefcase. Let me straighten your tie. Have a good day, husband, and pat him on the butt. What was June's husband's called? I mean husband called? I have no idea, I don't either.
Speaker 2:But he wasn't a prominent character. He just was out the door to go to the job yeah, it's craziness, but anyway.
Speaker 1:So when you're in that spot of neutrality, then you're living life and you're you have created this, like jenny actually created a vision board. I didn't do that, I mean, because I was terrible at relationships prior to.
Speaker 2:I didn't create a vision board based on the person I wanted to spend my life with I literally wrote the story out yeah in finite detail of everything, what, what I wanted visually, what I wanted mentally, and I even put in there clauses like if he has children, they're either going to be loving and compassionate and kind or they're going to be. If they're not that, then they're going to be non-existent.
Speaker 2:I'll take either one of those, no, baby mama drama right, um, I mean I went into detail about all the different areas and I used the historical, what you call them historical events I used the past, the, the historical events of what I didn't like, and touched on those topics specifically and then added in what you do want, when I was in this relationship, I didn't care for this, this and this. So what is it that I want in exchange for this, this and this? And I had been in relationships where there were other children that were not nice, and so that's why that topic came up.
Speaker 2:I talked about in my storyline about what do I want the money in our relationship to look like, All the way down to the detail of you know what. I would like to know what it's like for him to take care of all the bills and the finances and me to just not even have to think about it or worry about it. I want to experience that, Like I just was.
Speaker 1:Just detailed, very detailed, right I?
Speaker 2:didn't do a vision board on that one.
Speaker 1:You just wrote a story.
Speaker 2:From pictures yeah. Pictorial, I did a verbology vision board, which was to write it out.
Speaker 1:So when you're, when you get to that point where you're doing that and you become neutral within it, what I found in my historical events because I actually, you know, really stopped and just looked at myself in it and I found out that I was the causer of 99% of my own issues and we usually are honestly, because we create our own reality.
Speaker 1:That's correct and I owned it. And so I became settled and kind of calmed and realized that you know what? I'm not going to push anything, I'm not going to force anything. This is what I want in life, and when it's supposed to be, it'll be, and I just went on about my life, working, you know, doing my friends. I was, you know, whatever it was, I just went on and didn't. I just didn't make it a priority, I just I made it on the top shelf.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I didn't go out trying to force issues. I didn't go, you know. I didn't go out settling for things. I didn't. You know. I didn't go to the bar and pick up women to try to have a relationship. That wasn't, wasn't what I was or what I wanted to be. Let me rephrase that that's what I was in the past. That's not what I wanted to be going forward.
Speaker 1:And so I had to be clear and honest and present in the moment with myself every time I was in a social environment. Because when you start getting, when you get that human emotion of excitement, of oh my God, this person's good looking, because we have a tendency as humans, it's how the first thing we do is we, we see things from a distance, or we, and we start identifying as man, that person's good looking kind of rings my bell, and then our, our little neutrality level goes to a little bit of happy and excited and oh my God, this person's approaching me, you know. And then it changes, and then they come up to you and like one of your things was intelligence and they can't carry a freaking conversation in a paper bag, but yet, because they're good looking, you know what I'm going to give it a chance.
Speaker 2:I'm going gonna set that standard aside, yeah you know what?
Speaker 1:it's okay, I'll you know we don't have to talk, I'll just look at them because they're so beautiful they're so pretty, you know, and that's where we, as humans, have a tendency to veer off the journey and so stay, stay true to it. Set the parameters, set the expectations, make sure you clear your historical events and beliefs and as you go forward and you meet somebody you have to be okay with.
Speaker 1:This person either is going to be in my bubble or this person is not going to be in my bubble, but I'm not going to veer from what I want not going to be in my bubble, but I'm not going to veer from what I want.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so real quick, I want to go in a direction. Sometimes, when that happens, the reason that you're veering from that is you're coming from a place of lack that looks like this oh it's been six months. Right, it's been six months, 12 months, been six months, 12 months, and here's this beautiful person, and they're actually looking at me. What if there's never another person that ever approaches me on this whole planet? I better take this one, because this is the last fish in the sea. Oh my god.
Speaker 2:This is the opportunity, and so I will set aside some of the things that I was some of my must haves because this is the last person that's going to approach me and if you still have that kind of lingering around in your belief system, you will set aside some of those must haves and and become okay and find yourself not necessarily in the same kind of relationship that you were in, maybe a level or two above, but not completely aligned with that high vibrational relationship that you're really seeking.
Speaker 1:You know, in that, in that seminar I went to, he referred to the King syndrome and that's when men and women, both you know, when a man meets a woman that is like dead sexy and just you know, resonates with his sexual desires and all that stuff, they have a tendency to look at that person as higher in worth than they are.
Speaker 1:Wait, say it again, they will look at that person as a higher self. When the man looks at a woman that's very sexy and it resonates with them, with their lustful sexual desires, and this person is engaged with them, they have a tendency to put them up on a pedestal.
Speaker 2:Who is they?
Speaker 1:The person that's looking at them. You need to stay on track here. What are you doing? The man sees a woman that's looking at. You need to stay on track here. What are you doing? The? The man sees a woman that's very sexy the woman and hits his desires. When, the when this woman engages with him, this man will have a tendency to put her up on a pedestal and make his self-value less than hers oh, I see, and then put her in this category of. I'm so lucky to have her.
Speaker 2:I'm so lucky to her be engaged in me I see, and then that immediately drops his frequency because his self-worth just went out the window just went down and so then women do the same thing not picking up on the fact that she's not hitting on all the frequency levels of what he wanted to experience.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's correct.
Speaker 2:Ooh, nicely said, sir. I like it.
Speaker 1:And women do it the same way? Yes, they will do. They'll lower their self-value and their self-worth.
Speaker 2:I can't believe that he is actually talking to me. Oh my God, it's.
Speaker 1:Fabio.
Speaker 2:Where's the butter? Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:And then it becomes Chase.
Speaker 2:Especially if, as a woman, you view your physical body as not quite what it is in the dumbass magazines or on the freaking commercials, especially back in our day when that model figure for females was so very prominent.
Speaker 1:Anorexic and 85 pounds.
Speaker 2:The stick figure, for God's sakes. And so when you find that Fabio that actually engages with you, you do, you'll find yourself going to that place of oh my God, did you see that he actually made eye contact with me? And you tell. You'll find yourself going to that place of oh my God, did you see that he actually made eye contact with me? And you tell all your girlfriends oh my God, he's coming over here.
Speaker 1:Do I stink?
Speaker 2:Are my boobs right Like, oh my God, okay, nobody panic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's exactly what happens, and chemically and scientifically. What I learned through this is that is an exchange of pheromones between two humans. When they resonate with each other, your body will release things that makes you have desire.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And so the learning to control that desire within it without lowering your parameters is another place where we, as humans, have a tendency to get off track. Yeah, and man, will we let down our parameters For? Sure you wake up the next morning and you start chewing your arm off, Right. You know you're like what just happened, you know.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And you don't even. It's crazy how it happens, because when you get in that place it's like what do you mean by chewing your arm off? You start putting when you wake up next to somebody you didn't really want to.
Speaker 2:Like they're laying on your arm. Yeah, they're laying on your arm and you don't want to wake them up. You don't want to wake them up because it'll disturb them, so you'll chew your arm off to get back out of it and instead of just resetting. Why do we not know how to get out of it?
Speaker 1:Because we have now put this person in this pedestal.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:And you're like, and then the next day you're holding your cell phone and you're waiting for that text. Oh my God, are they ever going to text me? You know you're, you're pushing your, you're checking your phone every five minutes, this person that has put on this pedestal the night before. Are they going to? Are they going to reach out? Was I terrible? I mean what happened? Did I you know? And then when they do text, I mean what happened? And then when they do text, it's like all freaking parameters go out the window.
Speaker 2:Yay they picked me Right and they could have just sent a text like you sucked and you're a bitch.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh look, he texts me.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:He said I'm bitching hot and let's do it again. And don't think for a minute, guys don't do the same thing they do. I mean, I remember having specific conversations with my friends that were dating. They would be like, okay, so this girl was okay, but I'm not real sure if it's like dating potential, but it could be friends with benefits, you know. So am I supposed to text her? Because you know, like, we went home from the bar last night and we did, you know and, and so am I supposed to text her? Or is it going to be too oogie? And we've actually had men have those same conversations.
Speaker 1:so don't think for one minute that they don't right right and and even even I had a couple of uh, of gay friends that were football officials that we hung out with, and they are the same way and so it has nothing with sexuality or gender gender.
Speaker 1:It has everything to do with the proper way of doing, of having relationships, doing business because it really is, relationships are business really, but the the thing about it is is everybody seems to forget is when they, when they let that person jump up on that pedestal and you drop your parameters, it's okay to stop and say I had a weak point. This person's not really there. Now, if it was a good time and you're not sure about the parameters, make sure you have those conversations, you know, do you like dogs, do you? I mean you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Are you responsible? Do the interview?
Speaker 1:because, it's a negotiation Right and it really is, it totally is.
Speaker 2:Is this person you know?
Speaker 1:are they willing to?
Speaker 2:go about life in a similar way as me, for right now. Right? Are they aligned with my? It really, really is.
Speaker 1:My life goals, my parameters, my wants and needs.
Speaker 2:Everything from my financial perspectives, my religious perspectives, my sexual perspective.
Speaker 1:Right, and it's okay to not do that on the first date. It's okay to build that up. Just remember you have to be able, at any given time, to do boop, hit that button and eject.
Speaker 2:And say, yeah, you're not a fit. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Or just say, listen, this has been good, but after our time here, I just don't feel like that. This is, for me, long-term.
Speaker 2:Now there's a difference between having like a friend with benefit thing and long-term relationship. You didn't pass your 90 day eval eject button.
Speaker 1:Yep, and that's okay to do that, because if you don't do that, then you're just repeating history. And it's okay for you to hit the eject button because you have, at this point, created new parameters and removed fear.
Speaker 2:So why do you think it is that some people will continue forward in a relationship even if they are identifying that some of their must-haves are absolutely not even a possibility, and then they're kind of settling out Okay, that's not really a must-have, I'll be okay if I don't have that or this or that or that. What do you think causes that to happen?
Speaker 1:It's a fear and lack of self-worth. They don't value their own parameters and expectations in a place of solidified beliefs, and so they get to the point. Well, maybe I'm just asking too much. You know when and I'm here to, and that's not good, because when you, when you think to yourself, maybe I just, maybe I set the parameters too high, maybe I need to lower my standards. You've actually heard, I've actually heard people say that.
Speaker 2:Right, that's, and you went right where I wanted you to go. The core reason for doing it is the perspective one has on their own deservability and their own self-worth Right. If you are lacking in that perspective of yourself, then the rationale that comes out of your mouth will look like many different things.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Maybe I am asking too much. It'll also look like this you know what Gosh? I don't want to hurt the person's feelings.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't want to be mean, you don't have to be, mean, right, but listen, I don't want to be mean. You don't have to be mean, right, but listen, I don't want to hurt. He's such a nice guy and he does meet at least this box and this box, and I don't want to be mean to him and he's had such a bad relationship before.
Speaker 2:Yeah, those are all just justification stories to make it okay for you to allow this habit to go on, even though it's telling you in your knowing of knowing places. This is not checking the boxes.
Speaker 1:Man came up in in one of my historical events and I had this girl that I worked with and she had a master's or doctorate in social social. She was a social worker, whatever that is. Anyway, very smart, very good looking, um, very outgoing. She had a, you know, she had a. Or she was independent on your own home. She had all this stuff, she had it. Or she was independent on your own home. She had all this stuff, but she had only had one ever good relationship in her life and it didn't work out well because his job transferred him and they ended up breaking up. But anyway, um, and one day I was drinking coffee with her, it was a bunch of us from work and we were sitting there and she was going over her must haves because we were all giving her a hard time about being single because I mean she, she was a total package really. She, independent, nice, just funny as hell. I mean she was. She was that woman that would say shit, that nobody else would, right, and and good looking, and just. I mean she was really just a total package and and we're all, we're all giving her a hard time about not dating, and and she went over this entire list of her must-haves and one of the women said, man, that's a big list and I mean, for me it's just good in bed, got money and good looking. And she was like, yeah, you're going to keep getting what you're getting.
Speaker 1:And here's the crazy part is, about three or four weeks later, this guy walks in the door and walks into her office and he was like he was shaggy looking. You know it what you know? He just didn't look anything anyway. So they, he's in there for about 15, 20 minutes and then you see him walk out, she kisses him and he walks out the front door. And it was that moment in time where you say, just, you just preach to this girl at the when we all went out for coffee about lowering her standards. And then you I mean, don't get me wrong, he was, he was a good looking young man. First of all. He was like way younger than she was. And so I go over to. I'm like hey D, who was that? And she said he's my new boy toy. I'm like who is he? And she said he's my lawn guy. He mows my lawn for me on many different levels I was like that's always.
Speaker 1:Is he like a just a long-term thing, or because you I mean you made it sound like just three weeks ago that you're on the search for the relationship and she said no women have needs. You know what happened nine months later.
Speaker 2:That's true.
Speaker 1:She married him.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:And we all went to the wedding and prior to that we had the reception and at the reception she was out there and she asked me to dance with her and so I did, because we were really close friends, we were really good friends.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I was dancing with her and I said the lawn boy, what happened to your long list? And she said I trained him. Yikes, I was like you trained him. How did you train him to be financially stable? Oh, I have that part. Oh, okay, so you just removed that one to throw out the window and so anyway.
Speaker 1:To make a long story short, about a year and a half later, yeah, he ran off with the neighbor and and she came back. Of course she calls me crying. I'm like you're the one that threw the parameters out, yeah, and she's like you're supposed to be consoling me. No, I'm not. I'm supposed to be your big brother and you sucked at that. It's time to have some ownership. Yeah, I mean you. This dude was like 14 years younger than her and like right out of high school. It seemed like I don't know, but it was like crazy. But I see it all the time and you can't lower your standards. And she did it because she was, she was bored, she didn't have, she hadn't dated in a minute. No, you know, no, guys were asking her out and it was yeah, you know it's not listen you in that area.
Speaker 2:I mean, if you do get bored, it's okay to find somebody to play with and play that game in the sandbox for a minute. Yeah, but stay true to the must-haves and go into that, knowing that this is just my playmate for the time being, and don't get swept up in the energy of this being your most joyful and excitement place right now, sorry. I just thought of something she said, and get it mixed up with the oh my God, this is my lifelong partner.
Speaker 1:Yeah, keep it separate. You can't train anybody. Get that women. Yes, take that out of your mind. You can't train anybody, then get that women. Yes, take that out of your mind. You can't train anybody to be the perfect guy and guys. You're not going to save that woman no you're not. You're not a hero, you're just you. Just be you, and that perfect person will walk right into your life.
Speaker 2:Fix your pickers you can't make anybody do anything that they don't want to do.
Speaker 1:They can fake it for a minute and that's what always happens is to accomplish the goal, because people have a fear of saying to somebody this isn't working out. They think they can fix something and you can't.
Speaker 2:Listen. Whenever you and I got together, what happened? I literally came in like I was in an interview and I said listen yeah, here's what we both did here's the 90 day plan yeah I don't need you we're gonna have sex. I'm perfectly fine, I am you're in my life, because I want you and you know here's my.
Speaker 2:Here's my baggage, my closet of shit that I bring with me if any of that's deal breakers for you let me know now let me know now, and he did the same thing yeah, it was like a pretty heated argument. It wasn't really an argument, it just was a very passionate conversation of let's get down and dirty with this interview straight up, because cut to the chase, like I am not about eating a sugar-coated shit sandwich and say that three times fast right, and you were in that same place yep, I was just. You know, I was just ready and we had that conversation that people are so afraid to have with the potential partner.
Speaker 1:Lay it all out there, lay it out there, and we did man, we did, we laid it out.
Speaker 2:Listen, we're both on a 90 day plan.
Speaker 1:We are looking like this was like two weeks into us dating or something.
Speaker 2:It was.
Speaker 1:Because that's the key to it is you don't want to do that on the first date?
Speaker 2:first of all because then that's oogie, you know, get to know somebody.
Speaker 1:And if it's somebody that you could maybe you think can hit your parameters right, then say, hey, listen, I'm liking where this is going right. Um, and if you feel the same way, I would like to have a serious conversation right about future and make sure we check each other's boxes you're right, you're right and and that's, and that's really how it went.
Speaker 2:I mean, we, I I try to put it out there jokingly. It wasn't like I just come slamming through the door right and this dominant character saying all right, listen, this is the way this is gonna throw down right that's just me putting my joke on it but yeah it had been a couple of weeks and I both liked the direction it was going, so we had the conversation.
Speaker 2:We both enjoyed the direction that was going. Yeah, and our must-have boxes were being ticked off and it and it came to that place where we said because, because neither one of us was looking necessarily for that long life partner no you no.
Speaker 1:I was in the middle of a divorce.
Speaker 2:Actually even looking.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I was on a dating website, but I was only looking for you know like I like to dance.
Speaker 1:Boy toys. Yeah, you know, just somebody to play with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we could go out and I'd have a dance partner. Yeah, somebody I could just call hey, you want to go see a movie, or hey, you want to? Yeah, right. So I wasn't looking for Horizontal Mambo. I wasn't looking for anything longterm either, but you know it came to the point and it's okay, that's what that's.
Speaker 1:The point I want to get to is try it Yo, yo yourself, you know and put it out there and say, listen, I like the way this is going. Let's have the conversation and see if we're going to meet each other's needs, like we did, and at the end of that we're both like, okay, listen, we're not going to commit to anything long term, let's just we we're checking boxes, look like we can meet each other's needs and let's just see where it goes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I want to put one other thing out there that we kind of touched on is put yourself in a situation where you can practice not getting wrapped up in the emotional excitement of a new person to play with. When you came about is that I was on the dating site, but I was on it for a very poignant purpose of practicing a new habit of going into an encounter with the with a potential person to play with, knowing that if my boxes were not potentially checked or there was any kind of red flags that popped up, making myself stay consciously aware of that and then finding the ability within me to say to that person yeah, this is not really working.
Speaker 1:I'm out Right Practicing what that looked like for me, because there are some validity.
Speaker 2:Because I wasn't very good at that part.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wasn't either.
Speaker 2:I identified that I was good about identifying. I don't like these things that are happening. But where I came, where I was flawed in was going to that person and saying this is not really working for me and so I'm checking out of the relationship. Right, this is not really working for me and so I'm checking out of the relationship because I didn't want to be mean or I didn't want to. You know, oh, the poor guys had such bad relationships. I know that I can be the the one relationship that's perfect for him, I can fix him.
Speaker 2:I, I can modify me to be what he needs, which is identified as AKA self-sacrifice.
Speaker 1:Right it is. You can't self-sacrifice. And you know there's some validity to some of the phrases that are out there. And I want to say this, I know cause they sound kind of condescending and those kinds of things, but there are some validity and the mental side of it. You know, like one of the ones I heard just the other day somebody say you know, the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else, and there's some validity to that.
Speaker 1:There is Like this person had been in a long term relationship and hadn't had the, you know engagement of another human being, after an ugly relationship for like 16 years and when, like she was saying, it's just so hard, you know, because I have this person in my bubble that I really enjoyed that decided he was going to go elsewhere. And now I keep comparing everybody to him and it was actually a good response was, well, the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.
Speaker 2:As long as you do it from a different perspective, that's correct and not get swept up in the whole garbage that you went into the other relationship with.
Speaker 1:Correct and don't take one void and fill it with another. Fill it with somebody else, don't pull that person out Blindly. Correct and don't take one void and fill it with another.
Speaker 2:Right. Fill it with somebody else. Don't pull that person out Blindly Right, right, because you'll just end up in the same situation.
Speaker 1:And so I guess what I'm trying to say is you said it a minute ago it's okay to have that little temporary fun time. You know, it's okay to give yourself permission to go dance with somebody else or, you know, even have sex with somebody else, Just, make sure Identify the reasons and the purpose behind it, identify why it's there, right. I don't get caught up in the lawn boy being sexy, you know, because that's the point behind it.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And so I guess the you know the first step of the relationship, you know, of building a healthy relationship, is fix your picker. You know your picker is broke and when your picker is broke, the only person that can fix it is you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Looking at the historical events, going through the parameters of what you want, setting the intention behind it and not bearing from it, but giving yourself permission to play.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because you have to be fun and happy and healthy. Because if you're putting yourself out there and you have these parameters already listed and you're putting yourself out there and being happy and outgoing, you're going to attract that kind of person back.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But if you're down here on this low vibrational level, oh whoa, he's me. Oh my gosh, and you're going to get that person that comes to you Like. One of the other phrases is misery loves company.
Speaker 1:And that's true because it's negative energy Negative like attracts, like Positive attracts positive. And when you put yourself into that position of controlling your reality, giving yourself the permission, setting the parameters, sticking to it, you have fixed your picker. And then you're going to find out that real good relationships do exist, because I am in one right now. It is the best relationship picker right. And then you're going to find out that real good relationships do exist, because I am in one right now.
Speaker 2:it is the best relationship that I've ever had in my life yeah, that's because we both kind of like we, we did the work yeah, and it can be a short journey.
Speaker 2:it can be a long journey, I know for me. I was out of a relationship, a committed long-term relationship, for about three years Be patient too Before I really committed to you and came in to that. But in that three years I identified within me like I was was saying what areas I was weak at, yeah, and then I practiced getting stronger at those areas, like not justifying reasons to not get out of a relationship that I knew in my heart of hearts was not going to work out and was not healthy.
Speaker 2:I would justify staying because I didn't want to be mean or whatever. All those points already made and so I put myself in certain situations to to practice that and to get better at saying you know what? You're a cool dude, but this is just not. This is not going to work for me. I appreciate the time we've had together and, but this is so long for now.
Speaker 1:Yes, no, I totally agree.
Speaker 2:And practicing doing that. So when you do some self-reflection and you find areas and identify areas that you're weak in, it's okay to take some time to go out and practice with other beings that are willing to practice with you. And how do you know they're willing to practice? Because they say yes. When you say, hey, do you want to go out and see a movie? Right, that's them saying on an energetic level yep, I will go and practice this thing with you.
Speaker 1:Because the deal is is you set the parameters and, generally speaking, those people will come into your reality that you hit, that hit the first three or four of the parameters to, and that's the people you play with, because they're going to have the same energy level.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's. It gives you the opportunity to see how you're meshing, yeah, until down the road a little bit when you kind of like the way it's going, then have the conversation and you kind of liked the way it was going.
Speaker 2:then have the conversation and every time I would go out on a play date I would come back and I would say, okay, what parts did I like about that? What did I not like? What is this human doing that I do like? What are they doing that I don't like? What beliefs is this tapping into? What junk is ready to come up and be cleared out of the way in me? Did it trigger anything? And I would do kind of this whole self-interview and see how to better clean up that area so that my frequency would raise where I could continue to have a more evolved experience up the ladder.
Speaker 1:And that's how you fixed your picker.
Speaker 2:That is so now I can pick a seat. That is quite comfortable.
Speaker 1:Yep, alrighty, hey, um, you feel complete.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, me too. Hey, thank you all for listening to do, uh, the first phase of building a healthy relationship. I think we're going to call this one fix your picker.
Speaker 2:Fix your picker.
Speaker 1:Because the reality is is your picker's probably broke If you're having a hard time with your relationship? Your picker's broke and your self-worth is down, so let's.
Speaker 2:So the only thing you should be picking is your butt or your nose.
Speaker 1:Yeah, pretty much, and flick the burgers on the on the wall.
Speaker 2:Oh my God. Note to self check the wall, see if we need new paint.
Speaker 1:Anyway, hey, thank you all for listening. Don't forget to like, follow and share and stay tuned for the next sections of building a healthy relationship, because we'll get into this step-by-step all the way through it, all the way to maintaining, and it's going to be fun. I think it's going to be a great experience because it can be life-altering. It is crazy good to have a great relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:Anyway, like follow, share. Don't forget to.
Speaker 2:Ring that bell.
Speaker 1:Y'all have an awesome day.
Speaker 2:Love you. We'll see you next time. Bye.
